Any hifi buffs on here?

[Bernie Clifton]

Getting static shocks everytime I do anything. Touch the volume control, lift the arm off the vinyl etc. Nearly spilt my beer just now, that is the last straw.

 

[Nugent]

Getting static shocks everytime I do anything. Touch the volume control, lift the arm off the vinyl etc. Nearly spilt my beer just now, that is the last straw.

That's cos you been fucking about with the quilt

 

[Bernie Clifton]

That's cos you been fucking about with the quilt

Nah mate I'm waiting on the M and S one. Not touching this smelly one until I need to sleep under it.

 

[smellons]

Do you get electric shocks by touching anything else metal, or just the hifi? If the latter, then possibly something is not earthed correctly. Check the plug wire first. If the former, then I would advise to stop rubbing balloons as you are a walking static bomb.

 

[Bernie Clifton]

Do you get electric shocks by touching anything else metal, or just the hifi? If the latter, then possibly something is not earthed correctly. Check the plug wire first. If the former, then I would advise to stop rubbing balloons as you are a walking static bomb.

It's only started tonight. Can't be the earthing can it, the plugs are factory fitted?

 

[Mrs Steve R]

What are you wearing?

 

[The Colonel]

What are you wearing?

 

[Bernie Clifton]

What are you wearing?

Actually. I've just started wearing my new very fluffy mocassin slippers that I got for Christmas. Fucking hell. Could that be it?

 

[The Colonel]

Could be the beginnings of a new super-power.

 

[Mrs Steve R]

Actually. I've just started wearing my new very fluffy mocassin slippers that I got for Christmas. Fucking hell. Could that be it?

I've had it with certain items of clothing in the supermarket before

 

[Bernie Clifton]

I've had it with certain items of clothing in the supermarket before

Who'd have fucking thought it? I will voice my displeasure to my mother, who bought them.

 

[smellons]

Actually. I've just started wearing my new very fluffy mocassin slippers that I got for Christmas. Fucking hell. Could that be it?

If they’re polyester and you’ve been moving around in them a lot, then it could well be, but then you should also be getting shocks from other metal objects - is this the case?

 

[Bernie Clifton]

If they’re polyester and you’ve been moving around in them a lot, then it could well be, but then you should also be getting shocks from other metal objects - is this the case?

Dunno man. I've only just started wearing them and the stereo is the only thing I've touched. It's not the most pleasant thing in the world so I'm not going around the house to experiment.

 

[Barry Clunt]

What are you wearing?

I’ve started using this line on cold callers. They can’t put the phone down quickly enough. Except this one bloke who said he was going to call the cops.
That’s right, a man who was clearly trying to scam me, threatened to call the police because I was talking sexy to him. When I asked him if he meant the Indian or Welsh police he didn’t even know where Wales was, bloody berk.

 

[Bernie Clifton]

I’ve started using this line on cold callers. They can’t put the phone down quickly enough. Except this one bloke who said he was going to call the cops.
That’s right, a man who was clearly trying to scam me, threatened to call the police because I was talking sexy to him. When I asked him if he meant the Indian or Welsh police he didn’t even know where Wales was, bloody berk.

Have you? Have you really?

 

[Barry Clunt]

Have you? Have you really?

I have. I used to just string them along and give them made up bank details while at the same time telling them how much trouble I was in with money, that I had debt collectors after me and that my wife and kids had left me.

 

[Bernie Clifton]

I have. I used to just string them along and give them made up bank details while at the same time telling them how much trouble I was in with money, that I had debt collectors after me and that my wife and kids had left me.

I used to use my ex-missus' rape alarm down the phone. Deafened the cunts.

 

[Nid Dave]

I’ve started using this line on cold callers. They can’t put the phone down quickly enough. Except this one bloke who said he was going to call the cops.
That’s right, a man who was clearly trying to scam me, threatened to call the police because I was talking sexy to him. When I asked him if he meant the Indian or Welsh police he didn’t even know where Wales was, bloody berk.

I love to keep cold callers on the line for as long as possible (my record is 45 minutes). This sort of response is just the sort of new tac I've been looking for.

 

[NumberAde]

I have. I used to just string them along and give them made up bank details while at the same time telling them how much trouble I was in with money, that I had debt collectors after me and that my wife and kids had left me.

One of these cold callers called at my old man's house when I was there.

"Fucking fed up of these" he moaned.

I answered

Bloke on the other end "Hello"
"Hello"
"Do you mind answering a few questions?"
"Not at all, I have all day mate"

A few questions about all sorts, and then he came to ask questions about the TV

"Do you have a TV?"
"A TV?"
"Yes a TV?"
"Me?"
"Yes you, do you have a TV?"
"I'm not sure, hang on I'll have a look."

2 minutes later

"Yes. I have a TV. That is a relief"
"Now, what company is your TV?"
"How woul I know?"
"It's usually at the bottom of your screen"
"Nothing there mate"
"How about the top?"
"umm, nothing there either"
"Please look again"
"Oh, there is something written on the screen"
"Good, that will be it. What does it say?"
"Do you have a pen and paper handy?"
"Yes"
"It says..... U...... K....... Gold"
"No, that isn't it"
"It is, it's on the screen now"
"What is your TV called?"
"I've just told you, UK Gold"
"No, that is the channel you are watching"
"Yes, that's right"
"*sigh* What..... Is..... Your...... TV....... Callled?" He was getting pissed off.
"My.... TV..... is....... callled...... Fred"

My old man starts laughing, I start laughing, we're both laughing. Then I hung up.

I'm available for after dinner speeches, and before dinner ones.

 

[Barry Clunt]

One of these cold callers called at my old man's house when I was there.

"Fucking fed up of these" he moaned.

I answered

Bloke on the other end "Hello"
"Hello"
"Do you mind answering a few questions?"
"Not at all, I have all day mate"

A few questions about all sorts, and then he came to ask questions about the TV

"Do you have a TV?"
"A TV?"
"Yes a TV?"
"Me?"
"Yes you, do you have a TV?"
"I'm not sure, hang on I'll have a look."

2 minutes later

"Yes. I have a TV. That is a relief"
"Now, what company is your TV?"
"How woul I know?"
"It's usually at the bottom of your screen"
"Nothing there mate"
"How about the top?"
"umm, nothing there either"
"Please look again"
"Oh, there is something written on the screen"
"Good, that will be it. What does it say?"
"Do you have a pen and paper handy?"
"Yes"
"It says..... U...... K....... Gold"
"No, that isn't it"
"It is, it's on the screen now"
"What is your TV called?"
"I've just told you, UK Gold"
"No, that is the channel you are watching"
"Yes, that's right"
"*sigh* What..... Is..... Your...... TV....... Callled?" He was getting pissed off.
"My.... TV..... is....... callled...... Fred"

My old man starts laughing, I start laughing, we're both laughing. Then I hung up.

I'm available for after dinner speeches, and before dinner ones.

It’s great fun. Much better than hanging up. One I did a few months ago -


“Hello sir I’m just calling about your recent accident”
“What accident”
“The accident you have recently had sir”
“How do know about that”
“We just want to know the details of the accident sir”
“You read it in the paper didn’t you”?
“Pardon sir”
“I know I shouldn’t have been drunk but have you ever driven a bus full of noisy school kids”?
“What do you mean sir”
“And I only let the kid take the wheel while I went up the back for a piss, and I told him to watch out for the level crossing”

*the caller has hung up*