Off-Topic Crap joke thread

Whose joke was CRAPPEST? (see page 8 for jokes)

  • TH63's Golf Cake Joke

    Votes: 6 35.3%
  • Lecter's Conductor Joke

    Votes: 11 64.7%

  • Total voters
    17
  • Poll closed .

Dr. Lecter

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Point of order.

Originally Lecter's bet was, and I quote "I bet I’ve got more banners than anyone else on here." It was due to close at 3pm.

Now, it's 2pm and he hasn't got more banners than anyone else, so technically he loses.

At some point, the deadline has been extended until tonight and we seem to have introduced this extra banner that nobody had heard of until a couple of hours ago.

It's an absolute stitch up imho.

It seems only fair that everyone votes my joke to be the crappest.
Crying Baby GIF by memecandy
 

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Point of order.

Originally Lecter's bet was, and I quote "I bet I’ve got more banners than anyone else on here." It was due to close at 3pm.

Now, it's 2pm and he hasn't got more banners than anyone else, so technically he loses.

At some point, the deadline has been extended until tonight and we seem to have introduced this extra banner that nobody had heard of until a couple of hours ago.

It's an absolute stitch up imho.

It seems only fair that everyone votes my joke to be the crappest.
Rattled.
 

Dr. Lecter

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Don’t worry Tone, I’ll probably give you your winnings anyway.

Think of them as sympathy winnings….
 

The Colonel

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Answer him again Lecter
 

TH63

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Dr. Lecter

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@The Colonel

I propose whoever wins should get a ‘king of banners’ banner just so there can be no doubt on who really is the king of banners.
 

lardy

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So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living. He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.

Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed.

Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas.

"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now." Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.

The man looked at the executioner and said, "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

This reads like a blue matt story
 

Dr. Lecter

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Dr. Lecter

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Dr. Lecter

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And it wasn’t told by a complete t**t.

Well……
 

stantys tattoos

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TH63

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TH63

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And the original deadline has passed, and Lecter didn't have more banners than anyone else

Soccer Trip GIF
 

The Colonel

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And the original deadline has passed, and Lecter didn't have more banners than anyone else

Soccer Trip GIF
I mean, you have a moral victory here considering the wording of the bet and nobody can take that away from you, but like a drunken skittles match at the local, this has taken a nasty turn and developed into a full on pub brawl and will take a sober democratic vote to discover the people's choice.
 
small

Dr. Lecter

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I mean, you have a moral victory here considering the wording of the bet and nobody can take that away from you, but like a drunken skittles match at the local, this has taken a nasty turn and developed into a full on pub brawl and will take a sober democratic vote to discover the people's choice.
Amy Mcgrath GIF by Election 2020
 

Dr. Lecter

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Dr. Lecter

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TH63

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Well seeing as people clearly think my golf joke isn’t that crap, I can only assume you’d all like to see some more
 

TH63

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Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. “Please allow me to help. I’m a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me,” she told him.

“Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” the man replied.

It was obvious that he was in agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.

The female golfer/therapist urged him to let him help him, so at her persistence, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to his side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage to his privates for several long moments and then asked, “How does that feel”?

He replied, “That feels great, but my thumb still hurts like Hell!”
 

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