Crap joke thread

[Face Paint]

Why don't kids in North Wales play on concrete with their new footballs?

Cos it Wrexham

 

[Face Paint]

substitute teacher is doing the attendance one day when she sees the name "HIJKM" next up

she says "I'm really sorry love but I but I don't know how to pronounce your name"

student turns around and says "it's noelle"

Shit.

 

[Melvin Udal]

Washing the dishes earlier today when an owl flew into the kitchen, my Mrs screamed and said

What the hells going on and what kind of owl is this?

I calmly replied...

it's a teat owl

 

[Umut Bozok]

iamonthemoonandicantfindanywheretohaveapintsomeonehelpme

thereisnospacebar

 

[Steve R]

A piece of string walks into a pub... The barman says, 'Sorry I can't serve you, you're a piece of string!'

The string replied, 'No I'm a frayed knot!'

 

[Dr. Lecter]

A Native American Indian chief had three wives and each of them was pregnant.
The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated that he built her a teepee made of deer hide.
A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide.
The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred.
Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys.
"Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it out?"
The warrior answered, "It's simple. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."

 

[Dr. Lecter]

This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table. He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her.

The redhead is mortified. “Oh my, I am so sorry,” she says as she pops her eye back into place. “Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.”

So he joins her table and they enjoy a wonderful meal together. Afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks at a bar. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap. He says yes and they return to her place.

He ends up staying the night. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed at how everything has been so perfect and how incredible this woman is. He can’t believe his luck. “You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?”

“No,” she replies, “You just happened to catch my eye.”

 

[stantys tattoos]

 

[Jimmytaff]

This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table. He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her.

The redhead is mortified. “Oh my, I am so sorry,” she says as she pops her eye back into place. “Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.”

So he joins her table and they enjoy a wonderful meal together. Afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks at a bar. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap. He says yes and they return to her place.

He ends up staying the night. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed at how everything has been so perfect and how incredible this woman is. He can’t believe his luck. “You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?”

“No,” she replies, “You just happened to catch my eye.”

 

[The Colonel]

A Native American Indian chief had three wives and each of them was pregnant.
The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated that he built her a teepee made of deer hide.
A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide.
The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred.
Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys.
"Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it out?"
The warrior answered, "It's simple. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."

That's too good for this thread

 

[Dr. Lecter]

That's too good for this thread

It’s too good for William Smith that’s for sure.

 

[Face Paint]

iamonthemoonandicantfindanywheretohaveapintsomeonehelpme

thereisnospacebar

 

[Jimmytaff]

That's too good for this thread

Too clever maybe. Too funny

 

[Melvin Udal]

What's the difference between a camera and a sock?

One takes photos, the other 5 toes

 

[bluethrough™]

What's the difference between a JCB and a Giraffe?

JCB got hydraulics and a giraffe got hi bollox

 

[Melvin Udal]

I'm gonna go for a no stereotyping offensive gagette:

There's these 3 Eskimos or should I now say inuits or even, yupiks?

Anyway all 3 are sat around an ice hole fishing.

Soon enough, the one upmanship or one personship begins..

The first says "was so cold in my igloo last night that when I started to have a pee, the stream froze before it hit the floor!!".

Second replies with "tropical compared to my igloo. I spat and that became an ice cube before landing!!".

Third then snorts, shakes his fur covered head and says...

"Your igloos sound like saunas compared to my place. I pulled back the polar bear quilt this morning and noticed a small brownish mark on the sheet. Curious, I lit a match, touched this mark...and it went

Pfffarpt.

 

[stantys tattoos]

I'm gonna go for a no stereotyping offensive gagette:

There's these 3 Eskimos or should I now say inuits or even, yupiks?

Anyway all 3 are sat around an ice hole fishing.

Soon enough, the one upmanship or one personship begins..

The first says "was so cold in my igloo last night that when I started to have a pee, the stream froze before it hit the floor!!".

Second replies with "tropical compared to my igloo. I spat and that became an ice cube before landing!!".

Third then snorts, shakes his fur covered head and says...

"Your igloos sound like saunas compared to my place. I pulled back the polar bear quilt this morning and noticed a small brownish mark on the sheet. Curious, I lit a match, touched this mark...and it went

Pfffarpt.

 

[William Smith]

It’s too good for William Smith that’s for sure.

My legacy lives on some truly dreadful material .Just lacking consistency

 

[Steve R]

I bought a jumper that was full of static so I took it back to the shop and changed for another one free of charge.

 

[Bolluckchops]

keep to the bargoed jokes mate

Talking about Bargoed. Did anyone here know they found a bomb behind the library yesterday,
Shocked the locals as no one knew there was a library in Bargoed.