Ely - you are able to fight your neighbour providing you wear a mask and social distancing rules are adhered to.
Barry - burgling homes in your local area is still permitted providing you sanitise before and after the offence. Track and trace technology must also be used.
Treforest - you can only visit your drug dealer when collecting your children from school. The dealer should wear a face visor and make sure all bags are sanitised.
Bargoed - having sex with your sister is still permitted but you must be home before 10pm and use approved lubricant.
Merthyr - Vigilante groups of no more than six allowed outdoors and socially distancing between the hours of 10pm - 2am only. You must wear suitable PPE for any physical contact.
Llandaff - prostitute services are still permitted to remain open, this is now classed as essential services for fear of the economic collapse of the city. Entry from the rear only.
Grangetown - Now declared a NO GO ZONE (in 1984), if you must travel to this area please follow all diversions, traffic cones and signals, remain in your car, do not abandon your car, masks are not required as nothing is open
Splott - Everyone must remain at home and self isolate until manufacturers can distribute gloves with 6 fingers. Please do not go to A&E for digit removal as they are a tad busy.
Stick to these guidelines and we'll get through it together.