Off-Topic Viz Top Tips

[Sam1927]

Over 70 pages of hilarious Viz Top Tips

 

[The Colonel]

PRETEND to be a GIANT lion tamer by hitting your cat in the face with a chair from a doll's house.

 

[Cantonend]

CONVINCE people you're Tom Cruise by jumping off your neighbours roof and then limping away sheepishly.

 

[Cantonend]

TV PRESENTERS. You won't see me after the break. That's not how television works.

 

[Jonesy]

RECREATE a New York deli experience by eating a stale bap with a hole poked through it and declaring it "supoib".

 

[Jonesy]

SAUSAGES are a delicious alternative to vegetarian sausages.

 

[The Colonel]

footballers - have your name and number tattooed on your back in case there's a colour clash and you need to play in skins.

 

[Sam1927]

TRICK people into thinking that you've been to the gym by being boring, hungry & sweaty.

 

[The Colonel]

GET the experience of speaking to Neanderthal man without the hassle of time travel by placing an ad on Gumtree.

 

[Slug]

Shoplifters ... walk backwards into shops, so if you get caught by security, when the cctv footage is rewound , you can prove you already left shop before crime was committed

 

[Jonesy]

ALWAYS keep a hammer next to your wireless in case a DJ says "Next up, Mumford and Sons".

 

[Sam1927]

 

[The Colonel]

PARENTS. Encourage your kids to swear by getting a shih-tzu or a fucking labrador.

 

[Cantonend]

FOOTBALLERS. Embark on a scintillating run of goalscoring form by simply having me take you out of my Fantasy Football team.

 

[Mrs Steve R]

 

[Steve R]

TV PRESENTERS. You won't see me after the break. That's not how television works.

 

[Cantonend]

For anyone worried about their GCSE results, remember that it's too late to stop climate change & most of you will die fighting for water.

 

[The Colonel]

TRICK every person you meet in to thinking that you are a website by obnoxiously insisting that they accept your cookies

 

[Sam1927]

CONVINCE people you're a New Zealander by protesting that you sound nothing like an Australian in an Australian accent.

 

[The Colonel]

Discourage jugglers from visiting you by only having one of everything.