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Travis Bickle

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WHY bother wasting £12.99 on Frankie Boyle's DVD? Your racist insensitive Nan will be round for Christmas dinner tomorrow
 

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DELIVER your Xmas Cards at 3am to prevent awkward face to face exchanges with your neighbours.
 

Travis Bickle

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LOOK at a pair of socks and practice a look of elated surprise in the mirror. You're going to need that face tommorrow.
 

Travis Bickle

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CIGARETTE makers. Have you considered those scary pics on the packet are bad for business? How about a nice pair of tits?
 

Travis Bickle

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PRETEND to be a community support officer by pretending to be a police officer.
 

Travis Bickle

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CONVINCE people you’re taking part in a triathlon by cycling to the shops in your speedos.
 

Travis Bickle

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Enjoy a life size game of hungry hippos simply by popping in to you local weight watchers meeting and dropping a packet of maltesers on the floor.
 

Travis Bickle

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PRETEND you're a pro tennis player by asking your greengrocer for 3 apples and then rolling one back to him.
 

Travis Bickle

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IF SELLING an item with a hole in it, try describing it as ‘in mint condition’.
 

Travis Bickle

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Used panty liners make excellent patches for a torn Swansea shirt.
 

Travis Bickle

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Get that Christmassy snow effect on your apparel this festive season by leaving a tissue in your jeans pocket when you do the wash.
 

Travis Bickle

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Recreate the experience of doing a bush tucker trial by having an all day breakfast at Wetherspoons
 

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SIXTY-four year old people, relive the "joys" of the old 1970s sitcoms that you used to watch and never laugh at by sitting down to watch Mrs Brown's Boys.
 

Travis Bickle

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Great Britain and America have finally apologised for their part in the slave trade in the 18th and 19th centuries, and so they should. But in the spirit of going forward, shouldn't certain African tribes apologise for cooking vicars in enormous metal cauldrons and stealing their top hats?
 

Travis Bickle

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Solve the climate emergency by attaching catalytic converters to all cows.
 

Travis Bickle

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Save money by sponging off everyone by pretending to be a minor royal.
 

Travis Bickle

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FILL a Shredded wheat with pink soap and hey presto! You’ve go an inexpensive Brillo pad.
 

Travis Bickle

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GLUE 2 cd’s together back to back, play one side then flip them over and play that side to recreate your old vinyl records
 

Travis Bickle

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If you see a German girl have an accident, do not say 'You OK, Hun?'
As it might offend.
 

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