OCD - Inner Demons

[NumberAde]

This will be a ramble. I gotta write it down my friends and I don't really know where this will go. But, maybe, if you don't know OCD, or you don't know mental issues - maybe this gives an insight. Because, most of you do care, and have empathy, and offer a hand, I'm sure it will fall on kind eyes. Either way, it'll be thereapeutic - how do you spell that?

I've been struggling really badly the last week since I got a PSA score from the Doc that is high for my age, but he explained these things can spike and they can be for many reasons like infections, enlarged prostates, even stress. I have another one on Feb 12th, they leave a gap of 4 weeks. I do think I had an infection and have read that infections can cause these things to spike.

Reading.

That's my big issue right now. I am reading and reading and reading. I find something that reassures me that things are OK, but then I need to find something else to confirm it. That's where I read the things that scare the living shit out of me. Things like cancers spreading - that it is uncurable at such a stage.

Then I read the symptoms again. And, apart from 2 days, I don't have any of the symptoms. I even talked to a nurse at Prostate Wales who said she didn't think I needed a PSA based on my age based on symptoms and history. My PSA could be caused by prostate enlargement. My dad and granddad had that - so that is good, it runs in families. But, the dreaded c word comes up again.

I look on forums - people who have suffered, and survived. That is great. But one lady there, seems like Dr Death. Talking about asymptomatic folks getting tested and coming out with a short life expectancy. I know this is life, but I kinda had plans to get to 90 and be an old sage.

It is a never ending cycle. But today I made good progress. After two nights of waking at 2:30 in a cold sweat (which just so fucking happens to be a symptom of spread to lymph nodes) and lying awake until 7:30 and then reading more - I called the GP. He called me back, was really good. Said it was "unlikely" that I'd be in the place I was certain I'd be in. We talked 10 minutes, he told me my rectal exam was good, and my PSA isn't really that high. It could be higher. OK, so he can't rule anything out - and nor would I want him to. He just laid out all the options. I am relieved there is more than one. Until today, I could see only one outcome.

For 1 week and 1 day I have had an uncomfortable feeling, like being sat on a golf ball. This was not a worry to me, I'd read that it was likely the result of prostatitis which is common for people age 30-50. After calling the doc, within 1 hour the discomfort had gone completely. Maybe coincidence, or maybe a sign that all this stress is doing is making me ill.

And, maybe tonight, I will sleep and not wake up at 2:30 panicking about whose gonna look after my parents and sister. But, then I talk to my mum. She mentions someone who is ill. She mentions about someone with prostate issues. OK, so this guy is in his 70s. But. And so, rather than going onto Google and looking for something that contradicts what she told me, innocently, that set all my nerves back on end, I've come here just to ramble on about my OCD.

This is really cruel, and I don't mind being self pitying on this one. But, it's almost as if the fear is a comfort to me. If I am not worrying about something, then surely I am getting complacent - cocky - and so something will come and smack me. In some ways, it feels good to be awake at 3 with my back against the wall and the whole world coming up to give me a kick in the bollocks. I am knackered, but I'll take them all on.

Google, and the internet, is a bastard. Before, I'd have had to go into a library and find just a few paragraphs about something. Now, the whole information is there, whether it is from research made by doctors, anecdotal evidence of one person's story that will never match another person's experience - except my experience to come. Like a real junkie, I could be just 20 minutes from my next fix. The problem is the realisation that, even with all the best intent in the world, there are things out of my control. I'm not a control freak, I don't think so anyway, but I like the order in my life.

Years of being conditioned that, the only way to get results is to work hard. So, in my mind, the only way I can get out of this shit (even if it is out of my control) is to keep on researching. If I stop, then I am not working hard, and so it will go pear shaped.

I'm not really wanting to talk verbally about any of this. I've told friends, family, this is how it is for me. And just like I tear my hair out that they may be ignorant to the serious shit that may hit them, they tear their hair out that I am ignorant to the good things that may happen.

I had this OCD for, probably, my whole life. I was always the worrier in the family - but I was always the one who came up with the answers. So, it seems I need to worry. I remember one Christmas being hearbroken at the amount of money my parents spent on me and my sister - knowing how skint they were.

Don't worry - I am ok. I am not suicidal, or considering doing something stupid. But, I am tormented. And, regardless of the PSA result, I'm fairly sure I will be referred to a urologist which, in my mind, is only for one reason - and which will just bring a world of more torment. I contemplated going to A&E last night just to jump the queue and get to the urologist that way. But, OCD isn't an Accident nor an Emergency. And, jumping the queue is selfish - but it wouldn't half get me to the answer, whatever that is. But what then? In a few weeks, the next disaster.

I just wanted to write this all down, it's as close as I have ever got to explaining what OCD is for me and it's still a hundred miles away from what OCD is to me. I thought I had it beat, but here it is again, sticking two fingers up at me and making me irrational. Last time I convinced myself that I was wanted by Police in a country I was about to visit. I dragged my sorry arse onto the plane, because I loved the girl I was with at that time, almost certain that I'd end up in some cesspit of a prison.

Anyway, if you made it this far, well done. I just had to write it all down. Maybe it helps me.... I think it does, but there are things I can't fix even if I work my bollocks off.

 

[Melvin Udal]

This will be a ramble. I gotta write it down my friends and I don't really know where this will go. But, maybe, if you don't know OCD, or you don't know mental issues - maybe this gives an insight. Because, most of you do care, and have empathy, and offer a hand, I'm sure it will fall on kind eyes. Either way, it'll be thereapeutic - how do you spell that?

I've been struggling really badly the last week since I got a PSA score from the Doc that is high for my age, but he explained these things can spike and they can be for many reasons like infections, enlarged prostates, even stress. I have another one on Feb 12th, they leave a gap of 4 weeks. I do think I had an infection and have read that infections can cause these things to spike.

Reading.

That's my big issue right now. I am reading and reading and reading. I find something that reassures me that things are OK, but then I need to find something else to confirm it. That's where I read the things that scare the living shit out of me. Things like cancers spreading - that it is uncurable at such a stage.

Then I read the symptoms again. And, apart from 2 days, I don't have any of the symptoms. I even talked to a nurse at Prostate Wales who said she didn't think I needed a PSA based on my age based on symptoms and history. My PSA could be caused by prostate enlargement. My dad and granddad had that - so that is good, it runs in families. But, the dreaded c word comes up again.

I look on forums - people who have suffered, and survived. That is great. But one lady there, seems like Dr Death. Talking about asymptomatic folks getting tested and coming out with a short life expectancy. I know this is life, but I kinda had plans to get to 90 and be an old sage.

It is a never ending cycle. But today I made good progress. After two nights of waking at 2:30 in a cold sweat (which just so fucking happens to be a symptom of spread to lymph nodes) and lying awake until 7:30 and then reading more - I called the GP. He called me back, was really good. Said it was "unlikely" that I'd be in the place I was certain I'd be in. We talked 10 minutes, he told me my rectal exam was good, and my PSA isn't really that high. It could be higher. OK, so he can't rule anything out - and nor would I want him to. He just laid out all the options. I am relieved there is more than one. Until today, I could see only one outcome.

For 1 week and 1 day I have had an uncomfortable feeling, like being sat on a golf ball. This was not a worry to me, I'd read that it was likely the result of prostatitis which is common for people age 30-50. After calling the doc, within 1 hour the discomfort had gone completely. Maybe coincidence, or maybe a sign that all this stress is doing is making me ill.

And, maybe tonight, I will sleep and not wake up at 2:30 panicking about whose gonna look after my parents and sister. But, then I talk to my mum. She mentions someone who is ill. She mentions about someone with prostate issues. OK, so this guy is in his 70s. But. And so, rather than going onto Google and looking for something that contradicts what she told me, innocently, that set all my nerves back on end, I've come here just to ramble on about my OCD.

This is really cruel, and I don't mind being self pitying on this one. But, it's almost as if the fear is a comfort to me. If I am not worrying about something, then surely I am getting complacent - cocky - and so something will come and smack me. In some ways, it feels good to be awake at 3 with my back against the wall and the whole world coming up to give me a kick in the bollocks. I am knackered, but I'll take them all on.

Google, and the internet, is a bastard. Before, I'd have had to go into a library and find just a few paragraphs about something. Now, the whole information is there, whether it is from research made by doctors, anecdotal evidence of one person's story that will never match another person's experience - except my experience to come. Like a real junkie, I could be just 20 minutes from my next fix. The problem is the realisation that, even with all the best intent in the world, there are things out of my control. I'm not a control freak, I don't think so anyway, but I like the order in my life.

Years of being conditioned that, the only way to get results is to work hard. So, in my mind, the only way I can get out of this shit (even if it is out of my control) is to keep on researching. If I stop, then I am not working hard, and so it will go pear shaped.

I'm not really wanting to talk verbally about any of this. I've told friends, family, this is how it is for me. And just like I tear my hair out that they may be ignorant to the serious shit that may hit them, they tear their hair out that I am ignorant to the good things that may happen.

I had this OCD for, probably, my whole life. I was always the worrier in the family - but I was always the one who came up with the answers. So, it seems I need to worry. I remember one Christmas being hearbroken at the amount of money my parents spent on me and my sister - knowing how skint they were.

Don't worry - I am ok. I am not suicidal, or considering doing something stupid. But, I am tormented. And, regardless of the PSA result, I'm fairly sure I will be referred to a urologist which, in my mind, is only for one reason - and which will just bring a world of more torment. I contemplated going to A&E last night just to jump the queue and get to the urologist that way. But, OCD isn't an Accident nor an Emergency. And, jumping the queue is selfish - but it wouldn't half get me to the answer, whatever that is. But what then? In a few weeks, the next disaster.

I just wanted to write this all down, it's as close as I have ever got to explaining what OCD is for me and it's still a hundred miles away from what OCD is to me. I thought I had it beat, but here it is again, sticking two fingers up at me and making me irrational. Last time I convinced myself that I was wanted by Police in a country I was about to visit. I dragged my sorry arse onto the plane, because I loved the girl I was with at that time, almost certain that I'd end up in some cesspit of a prison.

Anyway, if you made it this far, well done. I just had to write it all down. Maybe it helps me.... I think it does, but there are things I can't fix even if I work my bollocks off.

OCD. Is horrendous. Trauma induced. Stay with it. Longtime sufferer mate. Prolonged sexual abuse as a child ruined my life. It took the love and understanding of my now partner to help me try to come to terms. To seek help...

Let me sober up and we can relate in the morning.

Stay strong.

 

[Jimmytaff]

This will be a ramble. I gotta write it down my friends and I don't really know where this will go. But, maybe, if you don't know OCD, or you don't know mental issues - maybe this gives an insight. Because, most of you do care, and have empathy, and offer a hand, I'm sure it will fall on kind eyes. Either way, it'll be thereapeutic - how do you spell that?

I've been struggling really badly the last week since I got a PSA score from the Doc that is high for my age, but he explained these things can spike and they can be for many reasons like infections, enlarged prostates, even stress. I have another one on Feb 12th, they leave a gap of 4 weeks. I do think I had an infection and have read that infections can cause these things to spike.

Reading.

That's my big issue right now. I am reading and reading and reading. I find something that reassures me that things are OK, but then I need to find something else to confirm it. That's where I read the things that scare the living shit out of me. Things like cancers spreading - that it is uncurable at such a stage.

Then I read the symptoms again. And, apart from 2 days, I don't have any of the symptoms. I even talked to a nurse at Prostate Wales who said she didn't think I needed a PSA based on my age based on symptoms and history. My PSA could be caused by prostate enlargement. My dad and granddad had that - so that is good, it runs in families. But, the dreaded c word comes up again.

I look on forums - people who have suffered, and survived. That is great. But one lady there, seems like Dr Death. Talking about asymptomatic folks getting tested and coming out with a short life expectancy. I know this is life, but I kinda had plans to get to 90 and be an old sage.

It is a never ending cycle. But today I made good progress. After two nights of waking at 2:30 in a cold sweat (which just so fucking happens to be a symptom of spread to lymph nodes) and lying awake until 7:30 and then reading more - I called the GP. He called me back, was really good. Said it was "unlikely" that I'd be in the place I was certain I'd be in. We talked 10 minutes, he told me my rectal exam was good, and my PSA isn't really that high. It could be higher. OK, so he can't rule anything out - and nor would I want him to. He just laid out all the options. I am relieved there is more than one. Until today, I could see only one outcome.

For 1 week and 1 day I have had an uncomfortable feeling, like being sat on a golf ball. This was not a worry to me, I'd read that it was likely the result of prostatitis which is common for people age 30-50. After calling the doc, within 1 hour the discomfort had gone completely. Maybe coincidence, or maybe a sign that all this stress is doing is making me ill.

And, maybe tonight, I will sleep and not wake up at 2:30 panicking about whose gonna look after my parents and sister. But, then I talk to my mum. She mentions someone who is ill. She mentions about someone with prostate issues. OK, so this guy is in his 70s. But. And so, rather than going onto Google and looking for something that contradicts what she told me, innocently, that set all my nerves back on end, I've come here just to ramble on about my OCD.

This is really cruel, and I don't mind being self pitying on this one. But, it's almost as if the fear is a comfort to me. If I am not worrying about something, then surely I am getting complacent - cocky - and so something will come and smack me. In some ways, it feels good to be awake at 3 with my back against the wall and the whole world coming up to give me a kick in the bollocks. I am knackered, but I'll take them all on.

Google, and the internet, is a bastard. Before, I'd have had to go into a library and find just a few paragraphs about something. Now, the whole information is there, whether it is from research made by doctors, anecdotal evidence of one person's story that will never match another person's experience - except my experience to come. Like a real junkie, I could be just 20 minutes from my next fix. The problem is the realisation that, even with all the best intent in the world, there are things out of my control. I'm not a control freak, I don't think so anyway, but I like the order in my life.

Years of being conditioned that, the only way to get results is to work hard. So, in my mind, the only way I can get out of this shit (even if it is out of my control) is to keep on researching. If I stop, then I am not working hard, and so it will go pear shaped.

I'm not really wanting to talk verbally about any of this. I've told friends, family, this is how it is for me. And just like I tear my hair out that they may be ignorant to the serious shit that may hit them, they tear their hair out that I am ignorant to the good things that may happen.

I had this OCD for, probably, my whole life. I was always the worrier in the family - but I was always the one who came up with the answers. So, it seems I need to worry. I remember one Christmas being hearbroken at the amount of money my parents spent on me and my sister - knowing how skint they were.

Don't worry - I am ok. I am not suicidal, or considering doing something stupid. But, I am tormented. And, regardless of the PSA result, I'm fairly sure I will be referred to a urologist which, in my mind, is only for one reason - and which will just bring a world of more torment. I contemplated going to A&E last night just to jump the queue and get to the urologist that way. But, OCD isn't an Accident nor an Emergency. And, jumping the queue is selfish - but it wouldn't half get me to the answer, whatever that is. But what then? In a few weeks, the next disaster.

I just wanted to write this all down, it's as close as I have ever got to explaining what OCD is for me and it's still a hundred miles away from what OCD is to me. I thought I had it beat, but here it is again, sticking two fingers up at me and making me irrational. Last time I convinced myself that I was wanted by Police in a country I was about to visit. I dragged my sorry arse onto the plane, because I loved the girl I was with at that time, almost certain that I'd end up in some cesspit of a prison.

Anyway, if you made it this far, well done. I just had to write it all down. Maybe it helps me.... I think it does, but there are things I can't fix even if I work my bollocks off.

Great to write down mate - a brilliant way of putting an order to your thoughts and make you look at things more rationally.

Doubt you'll get the answer here or anywhere else but try not to worry. Best wishes comrade

 

[Jimmytaff]

OCD. Is horrendous. Trauma induced. Stay with it. Longtime sufferer mate. Prolonged sexual abuse as a child ruined my life. It took the love and understanding of my now partner to help me try to come to terms. To seek help...

Let me sober up and we can relate in the morning.

Stay strong.

Very brave of you to share that mate

 

[Glos Blue]

Good to get it off your chest. OCD is awful though. You have my sympathy.

Going to the ED is unlikely to speed up being seen by a urologist, more likely just get your bum fingered again.

Seriously though, sounds like you’re going through some shit at the moment. If you want a chat and some reassurance or just to off load, send me a PM and I’ll give you my number. I have a little bit of experience in this area.

Hope it’s all resolved for you ASAP.

 

[New Wave]

I still consider it early days, and I was sceptical of it's ability to make a difference, but regular exercise has definitely helped put me back on an even keel. I noticed the difference within the first month, but have stuck with it for the last 18 months, and am convinced it has helped me back to finding some kind of normality again. Without meaning to sound like Mushy Peas, maybe give it a try and see if it offers any kind of relief?

For me, I was numbed and dumbed on meds for 10 maybe 15 years, with only partial success. Maybe it will all bite me on the arse again at some point and all the anxiety disorders/issues will rear it's head again, but convinced that exercising has helped make the difference so far, even if it is just giving/finding/having that little bit of control back and seemingly making a positive difference to day to day wellbeing. I've certainly gone from not thinking I would last the day to feeling like almost a 'normal' human being again

Regardless of the above, as said previously, you know where I am if ever wanted/needed.

Stay strong mate

 

[veg]

I had high PSA a year or so ago. It coincided with with a stubborn infection that made it very painful to pee, and I was only passing what seemed to be a thimble full at a time.

Hopefully yours will be down to the same cause. It was very worrying at the time, and hearing a few sad stories from other patients in the urology department waiting room was hard on the emotions in a lot of ways.

It is difficult enough without the OCD that you describe, I hope that writing it down on here helps.

Best wishes and best of luck with it all.

 

[Arfur Ap Llewellyn Europe]

OCD. Is horrendous. Trauma induced. Stay with it. Longtime sufferer mate. Prolonged sexual abuse as a child ruined my life. It took the love and understanding of my now partner to help me try to come to terms. To seek help...

Let me sober up and we can relate in the morning.

Stay strong.

Shit mate. Really sorry to hear that. I think that is everybody's worst fear as it genuinely can destroy lives.

That's a very brave thing to post.

I had my first proper (uncontrollable) panic attack when I was 14, and completely out of the blue when I was chilling on my own at my sister's house with a great film on (Young Guns IIRC).

It's a cliche now, but I thought I was dying there and then. I had the racing heartbeat, couldn't breathe, couldn't swallow etc.

It finally passed after about an hour of fighting it and trying to hang on to life, but said fight was absolutely exhausted.

My life changed forever that day, as these fucking things came back every couple of months when I least expected it. And then they thought it would be even funnier to hit me whilst I was in public. Those ones were even more terrifying as for some stupid reason, I thought I'd look embarrassing if I was to die in public



But eventually I found something that helped keep them at bay. And that something was alcohol. The panic attacks never happened when I was on the booze.

Great I thought. Just keep drinking and all is well I thought.

Hmmmm, 34 years later I thought this probably isn't the best approach. Despite numerous visits to GPs over the years about it, I was offered counselling and one kindly printed off an A4 sheet about them



Anyway, the booze was starting to wreak havoc all around me so I thought fuck this, if I tell the GP I'm self medicating with booze, surely they'll be duty bound to give me anti anxiety meds which are surely healthier?!

Thankfully this GP listened properly and did. I was prescribed Sertraline which is apparently good for Anxiety, Depression and PTSD.

Sure enough, I haven't had a panic attack since (6 months) and have also been able to cut the alcohol right down too as a result. I wish I'd told them that years ago.

Anyway, better late than never.

As for OCD, I always thought it was the old cleaning door handles 14 times, or going all the way home from work just to check the iron is off etc

But as I read more into it as an adult, I found that it's more about the constant intrusion of unwanted and mostly thoughts about the very worst 'what if?' questions, which were nearly always illogical and irrational etc.

I had those from 14 to about 25 but could just about deal with them by me switching my mind to almost anything else. They faded after some counselling and just getting older thank gawd.

And since reading further into it, I discovered something called Pure O, which best described my situation.

Oh, and I'm also on the waiting list for ADHD medication following diagnosis. This creates a very low boredom threshold, unable to focus on any one thing for long and constant fidgeting / over talking etc.

So hopefully once everything is sorted, I'll be at average mental health level!

 

[NumberAde]

Thanks all for your words and support.

Typing all that out last night did help, and my sister told me to use an app called calms where there seem to be stories that are so interesting and boring that they send you to sleep. I used this at about 5am this morning after I think sleeping at 10pm and slept until about 7am.

I have woken up with more questions, but I am avoiding googling for now and haven't googled since 7am. Too many rabbit holes and no answers. So, if I can keep up with not Googling, I think I'll be in a better place.

 

[TDA]

Thanks all for your words and support.

Typing all that out last night did help, and my sister told me to use an app called calms where there seem to be stories that are so interesting and boring that they send you to sleep. I used this at about 5am this morning after I think sleeping at 10pm and slept until about 7am.

I have woken up with more questions, but I am avoiding googling for now and haven't googled since 7am. Too many rabbit holes and no answers. So, if I can keep up with not Googling, I think I'll be in a better place.

In the old days, the saying was, "never read a medical dictionary" as you are sure to have more symptoms at the end than when you started.

Nowadays, information is so much more available with the internet, but much of it is conflicting anyway, so why torture yourself unnecessarily?

Just resist the temptation and stick to Pornhub

 

[Dr. Lecter]

This will be a ramble. I gotta write it down my friends and I don't really know where this will go. But, maybe, if you don't know OCD, or you don't know mental issues - maybe this gives an insight. Because, most of you do care, and have empathy, and offer a hand, I'm sure it will fall on kind eyes. Either way, it'll be thereapeutic - how do you spell that?

I've been struggling really badly the last week since I got a PSA score from the Doc that is high for my age, but he explained these things can spike and they can be for many reasons like infections, enlarged prostates, even stress. I have another one on Feb 12th, they leave a gap of 4 weeks. I do think I had an infection and have read that infections can cause these things to spike.

Reading.

That's my big issue right now. I am reading and reading and reading. I find something that reassures me that things are OK, but then I need to find something else to confirm it. That's where I read the things that scare the living shit out of me. Things like cancers spreading - that it is uncurable at such a stage.

Then I read the symptoms again. And, apart from 2 days, I don't have any of the symptoms. I even talked to a nurse at Prostate Wales who said she didn't think I needed a PSA based on my age based on symptoms and history. My PSA could be caused by prostate enlargement. My dad and granddad had that - so that is good, it runs in families. But, the dreaded c word comes up again.

I look on forums - people who have suffered, and survived. That is great. But one lady there, seems like Dr Death. Talking about asymptomatic folks getting tested and coming out with a short life expectancy. I know this is life, but I kinda had plans to get to 90 and be an old sage.

It is a never ending cycle. But today I made good progress. After two nights of waking at 2:30 in a cold sweat (which just so fucking happens to be a symptom of spread to lymph nodes) and lying awake until 7:30 and then reading more - I called the GP. He called me back, was really good. Said it was "unlikely" that I'd be in the place I was certain I'd be in. We talked 10 minutes, he told me my rectal exam was good, and my PSA isn't really that high. It could be higher. OK, so he can't rule anything out - and nor would I want him to. He just laid out all the options. I am relieved there is more than one. Until today, I could see only one outcome.

For 1 week and 1 day I have had an uncomfortable feeling, like being sat on a golf ball. This was not a worry to me, I'd read that it was likely the result of prostatitis which is common for people age 30-50. After calling the doc, within 1 hour the discomfort had gone completely. Maybe coincidence, or maybe a sign that all this stress is doing is making me ill.

And, maybe tonight, I will sleep and not wake up at 2:30 panicking about whose gonna look after my parents and sister. But, then I talk to my mum. She mentions someone who is ill. She mentions about someone with prostate issues. OK, so this guy is in his 70s. But. And so, rather than going onto Google and looking for something that contradicts what she told me, innocently, that set all my nerves back on end, I've come here just to ramble on about my OCD.

This is really cruel, and I don't mind being self pitying on this one. But, it's almost as if the fear is a comfort to me. If I am not worrying about something, then surely I am getting complacent - cocky - and so something will come and smack me. In some ways, it feels good to be awake at 3 with my back against the wall and the whole world coming up to give me a kick in the bollocks. I am knackered, but I'll take them all on.

Google, and the internet, is a bastard. Before, I'd have had to go into a library and find just a few paragraphs about something. Now, the whole information is there, whether it is from research made by doctors, anecdotal evidence of one person's story that will never match another person's experience - except my experience to come. Like a real junkie, I could be just 20 minutes from my next fix. The problem is the realisation that, even with all the best intent in the world, there are things out of my control. I'm not a control freak, I don't think so anyway, but I like the order in my life.

Years of being conditioned that, the only way to get results is to work hard. So, in my mind, the only way I can get out of this shit (even if it is out of my control) is to keep on researching. If I stop, then I am not working hard, and so it will go pear shaped.

I'm not really wanting to talk verbally about any of this. I've told friends, family, this is how it is for me. And just like I tear my hair out that they may be ignorant to the serious shit that may hit them, they tear their hair out that I am ignorant to the good things that may happen.

I had this OCD for, probably, my whole life. I was always the worrier in the family - but I was always the one who came up with the answers. So, it seems I need to worry. I remember one Christmas being hearbroken at the amount of money my parents spent on me and my sister - knowing how skint they were.

Don't worry - I am ok. I am not suicidal, or considering doing something stupid. But, I am tormented. And, regardless of the PSA result, I'm fairly sure I will be referred to a urologist which, in my mind, is only for one reason - and which will just bring a world of more torment. I contemplated going to A&E last night just to jump the queue and get to the urologist that way. But, OCD isn't an Accident nor an Emergency. And, jumping the queue is selfish - but it wouldn't half get me to the answer, whatever that is. But what then? In a few weeks, the next disaster.

I just wanted to write this all down, it's as close as I have ever got to explaining what OCD is for me and it's still a hundred miles away from what OCD is to me. I thought I had it beat, but here it is again, sticking two fingers up at me and making me irrational. Last time I convinced myself that I was wanted by Police in a country I was about to visit. I dragged my sorry arse onto the plane, because I loved the girl I was with at that time, almost certain that I'd end up in some cesspit of a prison.

Anyway, if you made it this far, well done. I just had to write it all down. Maybe it helps me.... I think it does, but there are things I can't fix even if I work my bollocks off.

I’ve got no expertise to offer here other than to wish you well with what you’re going through.

What I will say though is that it shows we’re on the right tracks when people like you, @Melvin Udal @Arfur Ap Llewellyn Europe @New Wave and others feel as though they can speak up about the shitty side of life. I’m sure most of us grew up in a time where we just bottled things up and didn’t really talk about this stuff. Let’s be honest, we’ve all got shit to deal with and some of us can cope better than others. If you’re one of the lucky ones that can cope then that’s great but there’s a lot of people out there that struggle with life. I’m pretty sure there’s plenty of people on this forum that are struggling in silence right now - hopefully threads like this will make those people realise they’re not alone and help them in some way.

Take care of yourself Ade.

 

[Steve R]

Nothing to add which hasn't already been said. Great thread and all the very best Ade.

 

[TDA]

Nothing to add which hasn't already been said. Great thread and all the very best Ade.

Why the shock rating

 

[Steve R]

Why the shock rating

You mentioned the p word TDA. If I'm honest I'm disappointed. You've let The Colonel down, you've let the board down but most of all, you've let yourself down.

 

[TDA]

You mentioned the p word TDA. If I'm honest I'm disappointed. You've let The Colonel down, you've let the board down but most of all, you've let yourself down.

Well, I'll go further and say what everyone else is thinking that Pornhub is probably the cause of his prostate problems in the first place

 

[Mrs Steve R]

Thanks all for your words and support.

Typing all that out last night did help, and my sister told me to use an app called calms where there seem to be stories that are so interesting and boring that they send you to sleep. I used this at about 5am this morning after I think sleeping at 10pm and slept until about 7am.

I have woken up with more questions, but I am avoiding googling for now and haven't googled since 7am. Too many rabbit holes and no answers. So, if I can keep up with not Googling, I think I'll be in a better place.

I tell you what, if you don't google I wont smoke as it's my start date tomorrow, how's that for a bit of blackmail?

Seriously though, I'm crap at this sort of thing but keep talking and getting advice on here.

 

[NumberAde]

I tell you what, if you don't google I wont smoke as it's my start date tomorrow, how's that for a bit of blackmail?

Seriously though, I'm crap at this sort of thing but keep talking and getting advice on here.

It's a deal cos I have lapsed today and now am firmly believing I am going to die. Sorry for the bluntness.

 

[Mrs Steve R]

It's a deal cos I have lapsed today and now am firmly believing I am going to die. Sorry for the bluntness.

I really don't know what to say to that I'm sure you will be fine.

No more googling today please, don't make me send you some of my "interesting" videos to watch instead.

 

[Glos Blue]

It's a deal cos I have lapsed today and now am firmly believing I am going to die. Sorry for the bluntness.

Never use Google for a diagnosis. Every healthcare professional will tell you that.
Websites will always give the worst case scenario, no matter how unlikely, they do it to cover their arses.
PM me if you need to.

 

[Worse]

It's a deal cos I have lapsed today and now am firmly believing I am going to die. Sorry for the bluntness.

Why don't you PM Glos. He's a Clinical Practioner at a GP's Surgery.